Tonight Death will be stalking the bedroom.No not the grim reaper of medieval European folklore, but the Death of Flying/Biting Insects. Instead of a scythe it will be wielding the lastest in mossie-killing tech.
I am hugely attractive to biting insects. In fact when travelling in Africa I am the most reliable form of mosquito repellent there is. They are too busy biting me to go near anyone else. Pale soft skin – even in this country they cannot get enough. Summer is hellish and the cottage always attracts a healthy population, despite a distinct lack of standing water.Originally I was convinced that we could rely on natural means to cope with the little gits and I contracted the job out to Arachnid Professional Services Inc. The Director of New Business, Bruce, assured me they were equal to the task. Sadly on the basis of the biting that has been going on recently that is simply not true. The spiders, despite their protestations of unusual atmospheric conditions and the loss of key personnel, have had their chance. Frankly I always thought their proposal for keeping the numbers under control was optimistic. Spring was manageable, but for all their talk of ‘swarming resource as the project required it’, it has been the mossies doing the swarming. Yes, there are huge numbers of spiders in the house, but they are performing like England at the moment. The service level agreement was fair as long as they applied themselves, but their project management has been shocking. They claim to use Agile techniques, but I haven’t seen one sprint planning meeting, scrum or a single post it note. Plus they seem to be hanging around in all the wrong places. The bedroom is packed with mossies, but yesterday I found four spiders in the bathroom, one of whom was clutching a tiny loofah and claiming he was first in line for the shower and I would have to wait. Admittedly some of their webs were destroyed in a tragic dusting accident a couple of weeks ago, but that was always a clearly identified project risk and one that they should have prepared for. So that is it. I am terminating the agreement and I have invested in one of those electrified tennis rackets. It exterminates wasps too. I have become Death.